26/52 Matt Smith

26/52 Matt Smith

“For a long time, becoming a lawyer was the end-game — something to work towards, and maybe take some knocks for along the way.  But, you quickly realize that was all foreplay, and now real life is just starting, and it has to be sustainable.  When I got sick from work, after things had been non-stop for quite a while,  it was shocking to me.  I thought I had built-up a mental resiliency, so I could handle it — whatever “it” was — in good spirits.  And I was in good spirits.  I was “handling it”, as far as work was concerned — but I was also losing weight, couldn’t eat, waking up at 1am feeling like I was on the starting blocks of a 100m dash, not sleeping.  My body knew better than I did that it wasn’t sustainable, and it spoke up, and I’m glad I listened and took a leave.  Happy to say I’m in a better place now, in the same role.  Of course, it’s still a work in progress:  my next hurdle is finding my authentic voice in a profession that sort of asks you to be a S.O.B.  In litigation, everyone is at each other’s throats by design.  Clients ask you to be “a bulldog” — to “get scrappy”.  You’re supposed to be difficult, concede nothing, be borderline petty, and ride a wave of faux righteous indignation all the way to the win at trial.  I have trouble getting in that headspace, and I’m not sure I want to.  I fight for my clients, but I’m more conciliatory by nature; I’d rather broker the sour-peace.  To be honest, I think I am becoming a good lawyer, but at the end of the day, I am a guy who just wants to be silly.  I like stupid jokes.  I like games.  A lot of lawyers who I look up to professionally are serious people.  They don’t “play”.  Remains to be seen if I can have it both ways.  This is obviously not something that’s unique to me;  everyone’s asked to code-switch to get by in a work-environment — to be “office funny”, to use the business jargon, and so on.  I guess the trick is to find the sweet spot in your “range” where it’s still you.  As much as I love role-playing games, you can’t just play the part forever.”